How to Grow in Confidence

When I finished grad school several years ago, I was a little surprised at myself for having accomplished 2.5 years of courses, papers, projects, and a thesis while working full time. I felt a tremendous boost of empowerment as I recounted every step to finishing.

I had certainly evolved as a person, and I found myself staring at a more confident person when I looked in the mirror. How had I grown? Little by little.

Let me expound.

FIRST, SOME CONTEXT

I have never been a naturally confident person (this might surprise some, but there it is). I firmly believe that some are blessed enough to possess a confidence built into their personalities, but I am not one of those people.

I do feel compelled to interrupt these thoughts though to declare that, for me personally, this does not come from upbringing. I have one of the most affirming families on this earth, and they have consistently believed in me, sometimes for me. And they have never acted surprised when I have reached my various goals.

Anyway, to understand where I’m coming from, I think a little background would help.

When I was in the spring semester of my senior year in college, I had nary a job prospect in sight, and so, the unseeable future loomed before me. I adjusted budgets and numbers to understand an appropriate living wage necessary to at least provide myself with basic life needs such as food and lodging.

I played worst-case-scenario and figured what a grocery bagger might make, in case I wouldn’t qualify to be a cashier. By the way, there is honor in all work, so it is not my intent to compare the worthiness of occupations. I am merely trying to demonstrate my train of thought at this point in my life.

(Side note: I did end up lining up a decent job as a writer for a creative department in higher ed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this job was providing me excellent career experience, especially for a dopey kid just out of college.)

EXERCISE AS A KEY LESSON

I also gained a significant amount of weight in college (try, like, Freshman 15 but also every year after). Sonic runs and Star Crunches became frequent pastimes as I sought distraction from my less-than-ideal college experience. I wanted to dip my misery in honey mustard sauce.

I’m not sure why specifically, and I can’t pin anything to a traumatic event, but college was a resetting experience for me, and not necessarily in a good way. The Overachieving, Involved-In-All-Extracurriculars, High School Jeanne was gone, and instead I was a bit of a shell of myself, with no academic endeavors, no planned career path, a new-to-me social awkwardness and 25 extra pounds of BBQ Fritos.

A couple years after college, a friend of mine and I were planning a trip to the Mediterranean for two weeks. Similar to many pre-vacation endeavors, I kicked my fitness attempts into high gear, this time in hopes of meeting an Italian man. I became cognizant of how good I felt on the inside, not necessarily of how good I looked on the outside.

I then started the Couch-2-5K running program, a brilliant, step-by-step running guide that doesn’t make you feel like you want to pass on to glory the first time you try it. And suddenly, you’re on weeks two, three, nine and then you’re running a half hour straight without stopping. One run at time. One week at a time. 

SEVERAL YEARS LATER…

I had started to consider grad school after working in the healthcare sector for a few months. Honestly though, I wasn’t sure if I was even cut out for it or that I’d ever get accepted due to my less-than-stellar academic performance in college. In other words, I totally lacked the confidence.

I was flying back from a business trip and chatting with the lady sitting next to me. I can’t remember how, but the topic of grad school came up, and I admitted to her that I didn’t think I had what it took to try.

She said, “Yes, you do. And when we land, you have a very specific set of steps ahead of you.” And literally, that was it. We landed, and the next day, I began the process of applying (and researching the GRE, which is, um, not great).

It seems silly, since my family has always affirmed me, but the confident, kind words of a stranger were just the incentive I needed.

Admittedly, I had decided to get my master’s for career advancement, but what I stumbled into turned into such an energizing experience of learning the complexities and contexts of diverse people’s lives, fostering in me an empathy that I didn’t have before.

And this whole experience looked like one class at a time, one commute at a time, one paper, one project, one presentation at a time.

AND NOW, THE POINT

All of this to say: it is possible to change and to grow in confidence and to become somebody you didn’t think you could be.

I was and am learning that in exercise and school and most everything in life, the realest, rawest aspects (the "steps" stuff, the grit, the daily, etc.) are the best part because they are the worst—the places of literal sweat and tears, the tempering, the repeatedness, the confidence building, the work without which there is no evolution, and thus, no reward.

And, in the process of increasing my stamina to run, I learned that there will be bad days—when your legs feel like cinder blocks, and your ankle aches, and you lose focus and stop and walk the rest of the way.

Then you’ll give it a couple of days and try again. Maybe it was an isolated incident or maybe it happens for the next few runs.

But it isn’t your sealing fate. It’s just a bad day or two. You just have to pick it up and go again. And, with that, you’re already steps ahead of never trying in the first place.

In conclusion, no matter what, no matter the detour, barrier, fork in the road, challenge, you name it, I know to the depths of my being that I can take the next steps to get back on track because I have done it before. I am more equipped to believe in patience and grace as I work toward new life goals.

It is the reward in the process, the small, rigid steps, the feelings that small successes bring, urging us forward into the light.

We are all more capable than we know. We must take the steps to believe in ourselves—the world needs us and the world is waiting.